Thursday, 11 March 2010
It's all wrong
Despite spending most of the sixties in search of a hit, Paul Nicholas had to wait until he was a well established star of stage and screen before he got anywhere near the charts.
Hugely successful in 1976, I hope the damage to his mortal soul was worth it as, frankly, his oeuvre was fucking awful: tinny, clappy crappy tales about attending an old ladies party or having a disco on a cruise ship or, indeed, reggae like it used to be.
'Reggae Like It Used To Be' is an unforgivable song, but the accompanying clip goes beyond that to a place where everything is wrong and time has no meaning and you wish you were deaf then dead and that the world would burn and then explode just to make 'Reggae Like It Used To Be' stop.
I have pinpointed seven areas of wrongness, please feel free to append your own in the comments section.
1. At the beginning, Noel Edmonds seems to know everything about Paul Nicholas apart from his name;
2. Nicholas starts off dancing at too fast a tempo and can't keep it up without prancing around like a camp show pony;
3. He is laughably over-accessorised but has forgotten to wear a shirt;
3. Despite the subject matter, the music has no reggae elements whatsoever;
4. No matter how bad the NHS might be, would any GP seriously prescribe 'reggae like it used to be' as a cure for pneumonia, rockin' or otherwise?
5. Why drag Beethoven into it?
6. Oh, what's the point?
7. Noel has been told the artist's name at the end, so makes a big point of letting you know he knows it and always did.
Welcome to 1976, people, just take a seat and wait for punk to jog up.
Oh, and just in case anyone says 'well, actually, the b side of that Reggae single is a pretty cool track that is highly sought after and gets played in clubs and that' can I just say, yes, I know, but a. 'Lamplighter' isn't that good and b. get your own weblog